When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.