if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones