Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom