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I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending