[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.