that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk