I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
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I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
*limbos away from your hug*
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace