If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
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HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me driving through Toronto
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Choose your fighter
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken