Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*