It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
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God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”