I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
You Might Also Like
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Good morning!
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I only treason on days ending in y
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow