sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.