I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
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It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”