My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Need this in my life lol
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Good dog. ❤️
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.