There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Natty or not?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT