Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no