Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for