My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?