FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
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Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
🚲+physics = winner
I think they could have phrased this better
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]