“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
me: my friends:
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace