EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
For the baby who has everything
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”