Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
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I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Looking at you, Jesus.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.