I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
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Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*