Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.