Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.


I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.


Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*


I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.


80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”


if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England


Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.


Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.


Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly