Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.