[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
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If I ignore life will it go away?
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Mornin
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john