If I ignore life will it go away?
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I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Unimpressed
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?