Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Lol.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy