The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob