Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Mornin
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.