Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
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Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
me irl
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*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
According to math, I’m broke
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.