First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
.. do you even science?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.