I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
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Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Match dot com, but for socks.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.