I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
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I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
5 ways to appear taller
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
this has to be peak English
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.