Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Sure. Why not?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.