a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me too door. Me too.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.