I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
handsome & gretel
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert