Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this