My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Respect
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.