I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
You Might Also Like
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there