I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.