If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
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*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.![]()
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.