If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.