If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
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Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.