The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
How times have changed.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125