Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
You Might Also Like
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Brands during Pride
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life