[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I hate everything
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour