Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost