“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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[on my way back to the posting caves]
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.