My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
He just like my cat fr
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.