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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.