“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
See..?
.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”