Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
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Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Natty or not?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Huge, if true.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?