Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
You Might Also Like
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.